Yes, I so identify with this.
But I was the second child, the one who could never match up with the perfect older sibling. So instead after years of trying I gave up. I just wanted them to leave me alone, to find another measuring stick to use against me. I was the one happy to read or be alone in my room, I was not the one with tons of friends or every activity and award won at school. I was the clumbsy child who fell when I tried to join the race.
Now, I have days where the measurements and eyes watching are too much. I don’t want to even arrive at the event, count me absent. If I do not arrive then I am not weighed. But this is not how the world works. You all too often have to play the happy drone. Struggle through your days and Smile even if you don’t want to.
Some days, like yesterday, I give up on the struggle and waste my afternoon in sleep just so I might feel like I have a bit more strength to continue tomorrow. Some days I am happy just to be me, but much too many are spent in regrets. How do you lose this?